In this present competitive world, some people want to be known to be assertive, some decisive and some merely pensive. I prefer the last, as it behooves my lack of consistent values and fits my iota of creative skills. This he thought, and wrote down the following in his diary entry-
An Epistolary of a Dying Breed - The Super-Self Aware Man and His Clumsy Drinking Habits July 11, 1984 - Prague
A sense of impending doom and depression envelopes me because of the presumptuousness of judgement that people dare to do. It is not that the victim is me, but the fact is that they say and act upon things without even giving a thought what it could mean and imply. The fools do not even know what they are uttering, but by then the sense of doom is replaced by an immense sense of pity for them. They say things to fill empty spaces and silence, I on the other hand can only say such things when I want to retaliate. I am quite well off being silent and having nothing to say, but everything to think and observe. This fuels my life, the only reason why I can carry on and want to carry on.
Kafka had said "I must write or die". I say "I will write because I do not want to die". The only sense of satisfaction at the end of a humiliating day I had, when the cafe manager told me off for spilling coffee on his most admired client, who happened to sit behind me is the sense of overwhelming feeling of comical respite in control which is brought out by writing. Writing gives a startling sense of clarity of height of self-awareness even when you are lying to yourself that you feel victorious even when you have failed.
One of Pessoa's entry was " I carry my awareness of defeat like a sense of victory". I laughed when I read this, it has had a tremendous impact on how I think of my own self-esteem. Yes, I think on my "own" self-esteem and I used the word own which seems redundant on a first read, read it again attentive readers. What you think you own is only your choice of how much you can attribute ownership, by self-deceit or by the crude nature of judgement on which the entire people of the world think that they thrive upon.
So this is how the incident unraveled itself in the noon:When I had just finished catching up on the Prime Minister's slip of the tongue (on paper that is, I prefer to read rather than watch people on tv)that the reason July 11th was one of the hottest days in some time was, that the failed ideology of his recent proposition as the head of the government, was trying to be victorious by an intricate connection to the weather gods and providence only by torturing the public. Now why would any sane man say such a thing? I had to laugh, and in that hilarious way such that my entire body had to revolt,shake,dance and sing in laughter. So you see my avid readers, I knocked myself out on this one, and my elbow involuntarily hit the person who was sitting behind me and then a series of loud sounds echoed in the closed cafe: SCHINNNN, DUDDDD.
That was the end of a pleasant read I was experiencing in the cafe. The manager rushed to the donor's aid and I was kicked out immediately. He said-
" You fool, how can you be so careless and irresponsible?"
I then replied " But sir-" ( I was cut off rather rudely here, as he grabbed the same elbow by which I had knocked the nice gentleman's coffee)
" Get out, GET OUT, NOW!
Immediately my friends! Can you now believe that? I was treated as a minuscule of a human being without even being asked for an explanation! Hah, if only they could understand the rational behind my laughter. They would not have, I can say this as surely as they acted upon their impulse, so I can rather conclude that I was satisfied by the overall outcome of events that unfolded.
The end is here, it is near and fear not, you are already a part of it as you even pretend not to be a part of it.
